Letting Go to Grab On

OK - I know that sounds confusing, but that seems to be a theme for me right now. I sense I am being called to let go of one aspect of my career life. And I have heard the comment a number of times lately, in a few different contexts, that sometimes we have to let go of something so that we can grab hold of something else. The thing is I'm not certain what the thing is I am to grab hold of as I let go of this other thing.....so once again I am in limbo! That seems to be another theme in my life - living in limbo - hmmmm that would make a good book title! Sadly, I could likely fill the pages drawing from personal experience of late.

Living in the suspended space between letting go and grabbing on. A bit like free falling. And yet, I am certain that in that space in between, Jesus is present and it is His love for me that holds me up and keeps me from free falling. I just need to hold onto Him.

An Anniversary

Six years ago today my mom went home to be with the Lord! A celebration for her! A day of sadness for those of us who knew and loved her well! She was an amazing lady! I miss her terribly! Her love and devotion for Jesus was contagious and inspiring!

I miss you Mom!

It's been a really hard day - one loss tends to bring up another - another year with no child of my own to love - no opportunity to be the kind of mom to a kiddo that I had growing up.

Trying to cling to Him! Jesus, the lover of my soul!

Thanksgiving...early

Each year the week before Thanksgiving we have our own Thanksgiving dinner at church. It really is a wonderful evening of food, worship, fellowship and a short message from Mike. Tonight, two of our teens stood up to give a testimony of their faith and to say for all to hear that they are "Jesus Followers". It was really inspiring to hear these two say that their lives would not be the same without the presence of the Lord! I am so thankful for my little community.

Obedience, Part Two

Interesting, I found a very similar quote to my post here in Linda Dillow's wonderful book Satisfy My Thirsty Soul - find it here. She says,

"If worship is true worship, it will lead to holy obedience."

Hmmmm, think maybe I am supposed to learn something?

Uh, huh!

Psalm 130 - My Paraphrase

This past weekend at my church's retreat up in Winter Park, we were asked to write a paraphrase of a Psalm. We could pick our own. I chose Psalm 130 - which is a psalm of lament and given my current reality on the adoption front it seemed particularly appropriate. Here is what I wrote:

In the midst of the pain of unfulfilled dreams,
I cry out to You, O' Lord
Pay attention, O God, to my cry for Your mercy.
If you were mindful of my sins how could I even approach You?
but You, O' Lord, give forgiveness freely.
You are awed, O' Lord
I'm waiting for you, God
I'm waiting...
In hopeful expectation that You will act...
More than a pregnant mother waits for labor,
More than a pregnant mother waits for labor.
Put your hope in the Lord
His love never fails
His love is unconditional.
The Lord, Himself will forgive and give new life!

Why so downcast?

Psalm 42:4-6 (New International Version)
These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

My soul is so downcast. I received new pictures of Hannah and she just doesn't look happy at all. I don't understand Lord. My heart is so heavy for her. As she is waiting for me to return - please, please protect her sweet little heart. I am choosing to put my hope in You!

Packing Shoeboxes

Tonight at church our whole community packed shoeboxes for Operation Christmas Child. Then we laid hands on the boxes and prayed for each little boy or girl who would receive the gift of the box and hear the Gospel - maybe for the first time. It is a really precious time as the kiddos in our community get so excited to pack the box. This year Operation Christmas Child has the option to track your box so you will know where it went in the world and who the child is that receives the gift. So sweet. Wish there was a way to request that they send some boxes to the Bishkek Baby House in Kyrgyzstan. I would love to know that my sweet Hannah and her friends received a gift like this.

"Busyness"

I really hate it when I let my VERY full schedule take over and I don't make time to be intentional about my relationship to the Lord. Today was one of those days! Lots of really good things on the schedule, but it's now 10:45pm and I am so sleepy and I haven't yet been intentional about seeking the Lord. Throughout the day I communicate with Him, but it's in the midst of doing other things. I want to carve out time everyday that is just for Him! Sigh.....

Your Journey is Not Your Own

This is becoming increasingly clear to me as I walk through this adoption journey. Over and over I sense the Lord saying to me, "I know you are hurting and I hurt with you, but this is not just about you. I am at work in many ways that you cannot even begin to see or understand. Trust me."
This weekend I was at a retreat with my church up in the Rockies, not far from Winter Park, Colorado - it was BEAUTIFUL! And what a blessing. Even though it was a very tough week and I am still raw from another disappointment on this long road to motherhood, I felt I needed to go on the retreat. I am so grateful that I did. I am still processing all that happened, and will post more in the days to come, but wanted to share about my communion experience this morning.
Each year at our retreat on Sunday morning we have a "Quaker" type of communion where people kneel on pillows when ready to receive communion and then as others feel led to give you communion they come and kneel around you, give communion and then lay hands on you and pray over you. It is always an emotional, and powerful time. Today did not disappoint. When I knelt to receive communion I was surrounded by friends and those who love me. The prayer was so encouraging and powerful. There really wasn't a dry eye in the room as people prayed for Hannah to come home and for God to bring peace to my heart. I was so touched by how tearful and earnest everyone was in approaching God on my and Hannah's behalf. I was also completely surprised by how my journey has impacted others around me - my painful walk of faith has somehow been inspiring to those around me. Once again I sensed God saying to me, "this journey isn't only about you - I am using your walk in other people's lives"
WOW that is HUMBLING!

Andrew Murray

Murray says, "I am here by God's appointment, in His keeping, under His training, for His time"

The Eyes of the Lord

2 Chronicles 16:9 The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.

Lord, may that be me. I don't want to miss out on being strengthened by You. King Asa decides to take things into his own hands, rather than waiting on and relying on You and he misses out on being strengthened by You.

I am waiting on You Lord. I surrender my plan and my will, may Yours be done! See me, Lord. Strengthen me.

Obedience

I was listening to John MacArthur on the radio the other day - he isn't usually my favorite pastor - a bit too legalistic for my liking, but something he said really struck me...
"The ultimate evidence of worship is obedience"
This really resonates with me - obeying God is a sure sign of worship!

The Discipline of Silence

I've been reading Dallas Willard's excellent book The Spirit of the Disciplines - find it here.
In chapter nine he discusses the disciplines of abstinence and engagement (also described as refraining and engaging). I find the benefits of the discipline of silence to be very intriguing.

Willard writes, "How few of us live with quiet, inner confidence, and yet how many of us desire it. But such inward quiet is a great grace we can receive as we practice not talking."

Ouch! Being the "chatty Cathy" that I am, I believe this is a most necessary challenge!

No Condemnation

Romans 8:1 (Amplified Bible)
THEREFORE, [there is] now no condemnation (no adjudging guilty of wrong) for those who are in Christ Jesus, who live [and] walk not after the dictates of the flesh, but after the dictates of the Spirit.

This verse has always been a favorite of mine. No condemnation. That is such a wonderful pronouncement! We will not be pronounced guilty if we are in Christ.

Blessed are Those Who Wait...

Isaiah 30:18 (New International Version)
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

I have to admit I'm not feeling very blessed right now, as I wait for a just God to show compassion and grace. I know that is His character, I believe that with all of my heart. It's just that currently my feelings betray me. Waiting....is wearing me out.

I choose to focus on who I know God to be and trust that eventually the feelings will follow and in His time I will experience His compassion and grace. In the meantime, I wait.

The ABC's of Worship

Linda Dillow talks about the ABC's of worship in her wonderful book Satisfy My Thirsty Soul
At first when I read about this worship "exercise" I thought it was pretty corny - listing God's attributes for each letter of the alphabet - Amazing, awesome, blessed, creator, counselor, comforter, compassionate....you get the idea. But then I started regularly practicing this during my own quiet times, and you know what? It's a pretty amazing experience. It truly helps me to focus my mind on who I am worshipping! And why I am worshipping Him! I find it to be a truly worshipful experience. I stay focused and it sets the tone for my time with the Lord. I find it quiets my mind - especially when I start out with the running list of things to do filling my mind. As I go through the alphabet I am truly astounded by the number of attributes that come to my mind as I worship our King of kings and Lord of lord. He truly is wonderful, powerful, full of kindness and grace and peace. He is the lover of my soul. He offers forgiveness and unconditional love.
I know it sounds corny but give it a try - spend some time with the ABC's of worship.

Life Verse

I was recently reading on Maria's blog and she was talking about her life verse being
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." I love that verse.

This got me to thinking, what is my life verse? I answered very quickly. It is definitely Philippians 3:10a - I love the Amplified Bible's translation:

[For my determined purpose is] that I may know Him [that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His Person more strongly and more clearly],

That is my life's purpose and thus my life's verse.

What's yours?

Confidence

I stumbled across this quote in a book I'm reading called Empress find it here:

Heavenlight tells a young friend who is to be Emperor, "Confidence has a long apprenticeship. Like physical strength, it is accrued with experience and exercise."

I love that! My life experience definitely resonates with that idea. Confidence is expensive! It costs me something. For me, it doesn't come naturally.

I can think of many things where this is the case....when I first started leading worship I remember telling the band, "I only sing melody". HA! That didn't last long. Eight years later, and I'm finally feeling really confident about singing both harmony and melody.

May I continue to "exercise" to grow in confidence. And more importantly, may my confidence come from Jesus. Knowing who I am in Christ.

Another Birthday Approaches

I took a friend out to dinner tonight for her birthday and I realized that my birthday is only a few weeks away! Ack! This past year has been a tough one.

I came across an entry in my journal from Oct 4th, 2008 and it was very encouraging to me as I approach 41. How in the world did that happen????

I want to share it here....it's a bit stream of consciousness so bare with me...

10-4-2008 - My last day as a 30 something. 30's have been good years. I graduated from Den Sem, have had lots of training and opportunity to minister and grow as a counselor. I decided to stay in Colorado, bought my 1st condo and then my first home. I have made some really good friends, got my doggies, have had some amazing vacations.

I have released a lot of pain, drawn closer to You, Lord. I hope I have become more like You.

I have learned to have boundaries in relationships. I have learned to accept my calling as a therapist and a teacher and have found ways to overcome many fears related to those roles.

You have taught me to take responsibility for my part in relationships and allow others to be responsible for "their side of the street".

You have shown me new levels of my anxious heart and also given me new freedom in so many ways.

You have given me peace in terms of not being so concerned with how others feel about me. I love all that I have gotten to do and become at the Experience.

Thank You Lord for Your incredible tenderness, patience and mercy that You extend to me on a daily basis.

Shining Faces

Last weekend The Experience band led worship and the services at Concordia Lutheran Church in Steamboat Springs. It has become a much anticipated yearly event for all of us. It is a blessing to be away for the weekend as a band and ministry team. It has the capacity to re-energize us for continued ministry to the Experience community.
Anyhow, a woman - Marv's wife - I always mean to memorize her name and for some reason always end up remembering her this way instead :( approached me after the service to tell me that "your face shines with the love of Jesus". Wow! What a huge compliment! It made me think of the verses under my blog header - that we shine with the brightness of His face. That is exactly my heart's desire! I was thinking about gradually becoming more like Jesus and how it is sometimes easy for people to see Jesus in my life from a distance - when they see me leading worship or sharing during a service, but the real "test" of whether or not my life reflects Jesus is in the close up look - people who know me when I'm grouchy, tired, overwhelmed, just plain grumpy and wanting to be alone.
Lord, may my life gradually become brighter and more beautiful as You enter my life and I become like You!

God is Not Frantic

John Ortberg writes,
"God is not frantic. If you hear desperate thoughts, you can KNOW that it is NOT from God"

(emphasis, mine)

From: If You Want to Walk on Water, You've Got to Get Out of the Boat page 184

Do the Something You Can Do

Helen Keller said:
I am only one, but I am still one.
I cannot do everything, but still I can do something.
And because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do the something that I can do.

It's easy to become immobilized when one is overwhelmed. I like this quote, because it reminds me that while I may not be able to "do everything" there is always something that I can do.

Worship

I discovered this quote about worship. It is worth meditating on.

In prayer we are occupied with our needs
In thanksgiving we are occupied with our blessings, but
In worship we are totally occupied with God, Himself
A.P. Gibbs

Lord, may I be totally occupied with You!

Henri Nouwen on Identity

I love the writings of Henri Nouwen. I wrote this quote in my journal quite awhile ago and, unfortunately, I can't remember which of his writings it is from. Bummer! Nonetheless, it is a great quote and worth capturing here. May I live my life knowing this is true...

I am not what I do.
I am not what others think of me.
I am not what I own.
I am God’s beloved child.

New Blog

I started this blog as a place to keep track of ways that Jesus is speaking to me. Ways that He is transforming me into His image. Quotes and verses that speak to my heart and challenge me towards new growth in my pursuit of becoming like Jesus.