Way Closing

There is a Quaker tradition/belief that closed doors in one's life can often be more telling/guiding than open doors - that is of course if one will pay attention. That is definitely where I am at right now. There are many recently closed doors in my life and I find myself waiting for a new door to open. I'm trying to pay attention to what the closed doors have to say about my life and what I might have to learn from the "way closing". It's easier to look for and pursue doors that might be opening, but I have to admit I am intrigued by what the closed doors may have to say.

Still Waiting to Grab On

I just read my last post and I can't believe it's been almost two months....and I'm still waiting to grab on to whatever this new thing is....nothing is clear....it's so hard not knowing what to do next. But I'm still praying and waiting.

Letting Go to Grab On

OK - I know that sounds confusing, but that seems to be a theme for me right now. I sense I am being called to let go of one aspect of my career life. And I have heard the comment a number of times lately, in a few different contexts, that sometimes we have to let go of something so that we can grab hold of something else. The thing is I'm not certain what the thing is I am to grab hold of as I let go of this other thing.....so once again I am in limbo! That seems to be another theme in my life - living in limbo - hmmmm that would make a good book title! Sadly, I could likely fill the pages drawing from personal experience of late.

Living in the suspended space between letting go and grabbing on. A bit like free falling. And yet, I am certain that in that space in between, Jesus is present and it is His love for me that holds me up and keeps me from free falling. I just need to hold onto Him.

Psalm 130 - My Paraphrase

This past weekend at my church's retreat up in Winter Park, we were asked to write a paraphrase of a Psalm. We could pick our own. I chose Psalm 130 - which is a psalm of lament and given my current reality on the adoption front it seemed particularly appropriate. Here is what I wrote:

In the midst of the pain of unfulfilled dreams,
I cry out to You, O' Lord
Pay attention, O God, to my cry for Your mercy.
If you were mindful of my sins how could I even approach You?
but You, O' Lord, give forgiveness freely.
You are awed, O' Lord
I'm waiting for you, God
I'm waiting...
In hopeful expectation that You will act...
More than a pregnant mother waits for labor,
More than a pregnant mother waits for labor.
Put your hope in the Lord
His love never fails
His love is unconditional.
The Lord, Himself will forgive and give new life!

Why so downcast?

Psalm 42:4-6 (New International Version)
These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.
Why are you downcast, O my soul?
Why so disturbed within me?
Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him,
my Savior and my God.
My soul is downcast within me;
therefore I will remember you
from the land of the Jordan,
the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

My soul is so downcast. I received new pictures of Hannah and she just doesn't look happy at all. I don't understand Lord. My heart is so heavy for her. As she is waiting for me to return - please, please protect her sweet little heart. I am choosing to put my hope in You!

Your Journey is Not Your Own

This is becoming increasingly clear to me as I walk through this adoption journey. Over and over I sense the Lord saying to me, "I know you are hurting and I hurt with you, but this is not just about you. I am at work in many ways that you cannot even begin to see or understand. Trust me."
This weekend I was at a retreat with my church up in the Rockies, not far from Winter Park, Colorado - it was BEAUTIFUL! And what a blessing. Even though it was a very tough week and I am still raw from another disappointment on this long road to motherhood, I felt I needed to go on the retreat. I am so grateful that I did. I am still processing all that happened, and will post more in the days to come, but wanted to share about my communion experience this morning.
Each year at our retreat on Sunday morning we have a "Quaker" type of communion where people kneel on pillows when ready to receive communion and then as others feel led to give you communion they come and kneel around you, give communion and then lay hands on you and pray over you. It is always an emotional, and powerful time. Today did not disappoint. When I knelt to receive communion I was surrounded by friends and those who love me. The prayer was so encouraging and powerful. There really wasn't a dry eye in the room as people prayed for Hannah to come home and for God to bring peace to my heart. I was so touched by how tearful and earnest everyone was in approaching God on my and Hannah's behalf. I was also completely surprised by how my journey has impacted others around me - my painful walk of faith has somehow been inspiring to those around me. Once again I sensed God saying to me, "this journey isn't only about you - I am using your walk in other people's lives"
WOW that is HUMBLING!

The Eyes of the Lord

2 Chronicles 16:9 The eyes of the Lord search the whole earth in order to strengthen those whose hearts are fully committed to Him.

Lord, may that be me. I don't want to miss out on being strengthened by You. King Asa decides to take things into his own hands, rather than waiting on and relying on You and he misses out on being strengthened by You.

I am waiting on You Lord. I surrender my plan and my will, may Yours be done! See me, Lord. Strengthen me.

Blessed are Those Who Wait...

Isaiah 30:18 (New International Version)
Yet the LORD longs to be gracious to you;
he rises to show you compassion.
For the LORD is a God of justice.
Blessed are all who wait for him!

I have to admit I'm not feeling very blessed right now, as I wait for a just God to show compassion and grace. I know that is His character, I believe that with all of my heart. It's just that currently my feelings betray me. Waiting....is wearing me out.

I choose to focus on who I know God to be and trust that eventually the feelings will follow and in His time I will experience His compassion and grace. In the meantime, I wait.